Sunday, August 18, 2019

"Tonguing" replaces "cuddling" as therapy of choice for millenials


Sunday, August 18 2019 - KWOB - With the recent advent of 'cuddle therapy' setting in as a viable alternative to traditional counseling, a new form of therapy is quickly emerging for those predominantly in their twenties.

Known as "tonguing," the practice involves a specialized therapist engaging a patient using their tongue.

"As a practitioner of tongue therapy, I'm asked to do all kinds of things," said Lynn Waddlesworth, a tongue therapist out of Yazoo City, Mississippi. "Do I do them? Not always."

Tongue therapy, like cuddle therapy, has no regulative oversight, but this doesn't mean that anything goes.

"Feeling the tongue on different parts of your body, licking your forehead particularly, is proven to comfort those with specific kinds of mental disease," Dr. Paula Winthrop of Tufts University told KWOB. "It gets dangerous when it turns sexual, so that is an obvious concern."

So who is paying to be tongued?

"Mostly men under 30," says Waddlesworth. "Many are unemployed and most are single."

She says that most patients prefer the traditional forehead lick, although licking the elbow is becoming more common.

Scientists predict that one tongue therapy session can replace dozens of conventional ones.

Winthrop agrees that the tongue can be especially therapeutic when weighed against traditional conversational therapy, however being licked isn't always beneficial.

Conditions such as oral herpes, says Winthrop, can easily be communicated through this practice.

She will use either saran wrap or a sandwich bag as a way to prophylactic against disease.

Mississippi is considering legislation that would regulate the practice in a limited sense for the purpose of preventing the spread of disease.

Some avoid the problem by practicing on themselves, such as Randy Dorfman of Seattle.

"When I lick myself I just feel better," said Dorfman. "It's hard to explain."

Dorfman says he prefers self therapy because of hygiene.

"This one lady was licking me for a while but her breath got bad, real bad. So bad that I just couldn't handle it. I smelled real bad too when I left. I can't run around in public like that."

Winthrop says that the millennial generation is more open to this form of therapy because they are in better touch with themselves and their emotions.

"As the older generation passes on, their views on society and sexuality and even therapy die with them. This practice, in many ways, is an empowerment of one's own sexuality and sense of self."

Many of those engaging in tongue therapy are involved in political and social movements, like Sandra Bauer of Milwaukee.

"It's like I vote because I'm empowered so I lick because I'm empowered. The corporations would rather I buy their expensive pills, I prefer to lick."

Man engaging in self-tongue therapy
Felines have been engaging in the practice for centuries, adds Veterinarian Chris Cosby. "Cats lick, why not people?"

"It's proven that cats do better when they have someone to lick. People aren't all that different, are they?"

Tongue therapy has been catching on in places like New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles, and the fee can range anywhere from $80 per hour to $275 per hour, depending on the specifics of the service.

"This is real progress," adds Winthrop. Like gender therapy, this is a real step forward for mankind.

Friday, August 16, 2019

Illinois Governor Pritzker proposes a 'tax on taxes'


Friday, August 16 2019 - KWOB - Governor Pritzker of Illinois announced today that he will be rolling out a proposal to House Democrats to place a new tax on existing taxes.

"We tax most transactions and we tax income," said Pritzker. "It's time that taxpayers pay their fair share on these taxes."

The proposed tax will tax certain existing taxes at a rate of 2%, meaning that Illinois taxpayers will pay an additional tax on these taxes amounting to 2% of the total tax they pay. Income tax and sales taxes are likely included in the initial proposal. Other taxes may come later.

The Illinois "Push It Forward" Coalition supports the move. Spokesman Ken Hardy says that Illinois residents need to come to the table with realistic expectations to preserve the future of Illinois.

"For many years taxpayers have been getting away with not having any tax at all whatsoever on these taxes, now it's time to pay their fair share," said Hardy.

The revenue from these additional taxes will go to preserve Chicago's historical neighborhoods.

Historical Chicago Neighborhood
Pritzker's proposal would also call for 40% of the new tax to go back into administrative expenses, while 50% is earmarked for preservation of historical Chicago neighborhoods and 10% will go into a fund for criminal defense of elected officials against federal prosecution.

Illinois Department of Administrative Procurement and Staffing Executive Director Carmine Feeley said that administrative agencies are currently suffering underfunding.

"The average work week currently for Illinois state workers has climbed to 23 hours per week, not including time spent on Facebook and random smoke breaks," said Feeley. "This extra money would help us overstaff even more and allow our workers to completely disappear for even days at a time without anyone noticing. This is our ultimate goal."

The measure will head to the Illinois House and must pass through both legislative bodies prior to being signed into law.

Pritzker predicts a public forum on the matter to be presented no later than October of this year.